My Hope Is Still Alive

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

The number of things on my mind is on another level. An overwhelming level. But I want to choose peace. I want to choose gratitude. I want to choose forgiveness. I want to choose joy. I want to choose hope. Since the day that I found out that I’m expecting a child, my mind has been overworking, overthinking and over analyzing. I still end up feeling lost, exhausted and the worries remain even after hours of trying to analyze the situation at hand. But the one reason I keep going: God. I believe God has a plan in all this. 

It is in such moments that I surrender and say: Lord have thine own way. Because in my human reasoning it all seems impossible. But with God, nothing is impossible. It’s a journey. And I keep reminding myself to be kind to myself. To forgive myself. To put my best foot forward. To hope for the best. I know all will go well. In Jesus name, Amen.

I want to be happy. I want to choose forgiveness. Love over hate. I want to dwell on the positive side of things. Rather than wallowing in guilt and shame and unforgiveness. I want to let go and let God. I want to embrace this season with all I have. With all I am. With all the grace, courage, confidence and wisdom that I can gather. I know God is for me. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. So, help me God. 

Shaking hands, beating heart.
Pen this down, then go back to rest.
I oblige.

Tell a man my story,
It’s too much for him,
That’s the end of us.

Try tell another,
He hangs around.
But soon, he too, leaves.
Silence.

I’m not eager to hide it,
Trust me: it hurts,
I cried.
I cry.

I console myself:
Maybe they were not for me,
They who wouldn’t keep chasing.
After they knew.

It doesn’t work.
Inconsolable.
Can you figure out how much it hurts?
Of course you can’t.

I turn to God,
God, was this meant to be a death sentence?
God, who will see me how you see me? For who I truly am.
God, who will chase me even when he knows?
Silence.

I weep.
God joins me.
I’m surprised.
God, does it hurt you the same way?
Yes my child: it hurts me more!
We weep awhile.
Peace. Relief. Some strength. Hope.

God showed me a tall handsome bird,
To strengthen my hope.
Not a person. A bird.
Told me that’s a symbol of my man.
He will chase after me. No matter what.
My role? Be a butterfly.
My child: Fly around. Don’t settle. Till your soul finds rest.
Fine.

I choose forgiveness,
Love over hate.
So I still pray for them.
Those who made me weep.

Hope is alive,
After all,
My tall handsome bird is coming.
I’ll wait.
Peace. Love. Joy.

******

I wrote this poem in February 2017. It has been 8 years. I’m still holding on to it. Hope is alive. With all the detours, hope is alive. With all the mistakes, hope is alive. With the situation at hand, my hope is still alive. God is faithful who has promised. He is my Father; He will never ever fail me. So, help me God.